That’s Not Love: Non Physical Relationship Violence

The One Love Foundation exists in a world as one of MANY like-minded organisations that work against relationship violence. I could sit here forever and list them all, which is part of the problem; the need for organisations working against relationship and domestic violence is so essential that you couldn’t possibly list them all, and yet funding for them is always low and consequently many of them disappear when they’ve run out of money. The reason I’m citing their example, is because they run a social media campaign using the hashtag #ThatsNotLove, and it’s currently instrumental in highlighting problematic behaviour in relationships, in an effort to teach young people what unhealthy relationship dynamics look like. The idea is that they might be able to escape what they don’t realise is abuse, and also to work with changing unhealthy behaviours.

There is an extremely unfortunate mindset where people assume that relationship violence is only problematic when it’s physical. People who have experienced relationship violence in whatever medium, realise that non-physical violence is often the precursor for physical abuse. Violence presents itself in a multitude of mediums, and it doesn’t always appear with a punch to the face.

It doesn’t matter how old you are, this can happen to anyone.

Examples:

• Your partner demands to know where you are, and whom you are with at all times. Refusal to comply often results in heated arguments, guilt trips, and an escalation of intensified controlling behaviour.
• They are possessive rather than doting.
• Micromanaging your time, usually to their benefit. Instances where you fall outside that management will result in negative consequences.
• Your partner slowly insists you spend less time with friends, and more time with them, even if that time is spent with them doing something away from you.
• You find yourself making excuses to cancel time with friends or family, because your partner makes life difficult for you as a consequence. This might start with them texting you almost constantly the moment you leave their side, with explosive reactions if you don’t respond in a timely manner.
• If you don’t live with them, the moment you spend time with them, they want to know exactly what you’ve been doing without them. This is not the same as someone wanting to know how you’ve been, it often comes with negative consequences if they think you’ve been doing something they wouldn’t approve of. You will often see moodiness, one syllable responses, and accusations that you’re being a bad partner. During any time you are apart, you’re expected to maintain constant contact via text to allay any imagined suspicions they might have.
• Stealing your phone to read texts, emails, variations thereof, or outright snatching it from your hands to do the same thing. Refusal to comply results in explosive rows and accusations that you’re up to something. This is a complete violation of personal privacy.
• Demanding to know who you work/go to college with/variation thereof, along with statements with regard to whether they approve of that person or not.
• Accusations of your being sexually attracted to mutual friends, often entirely unfounded. Note that the antagonist will likely take it out on the victim, but remain as nice as pie to the person of whom they have imagined you have been unfaithful with. They lay blame entirely on you.
• Not letting you go anywhere by yourself. If they don’t want to go with you, they will tell you you’re not allowed to go.
• Comments about your appearance and what you choose to wear. Now that you’re in an established relationship, you’re expected to dress down and change your appearance to avoid attention from anyone they might deem a threat.
• They say it’s because I love you, as if that makes it okay to behave in this manner.
• Following you around your living space the moment you move.
• You find yourself unable to talk to friends on the phone because it makes your partner feel uncomfortable.
• Gaslighting, often in front of mutual friends so that they feel you’re the problem. You might often find your friends are more aloof with you, especially if your partner implies your behaviour is unacceptable in ways that are blatantly not true. This is their way of distancing you from your support network.
• Declarations that you’re overreacting, and to get over it.
• Denial that they’re abusive to you at all, they will completely deny any wrongdoing if you bring it up in an attempt to diffuse behaviour.
• If you’re capable of menstruation, they will often ask you if you’re on your period as a way to belittle you in a disagreement.
• Name-calling, excessive or subtle. Refusal to use your name, or acknowledge you as an individual.
• They will behave in a loving and considerate manner around you in public or around friends, but the moment you’re alone, the facade is dropped.
• Being incredibly sweet in some ways to lull you into a false sense of security, but displaying incredibly controlling behaviour that leaves you questioning yourself and the validity of your relationship.
• Declarations that they will ‘get help’, and then not do so.
• An abusive partner thinking their behaviour is acceptable, however holding you to entirely unrealistic expectations.
• Denying you the use of social media.
• This list is not exhaustive.

Examples of escalating behaviour that will eventually result in physical violence:

• Getting in your face and screaming at you, without actually hitting you. This intimidation tactic is common and effective, because you end up terrified, but don’t feel like you can justify telling anyone because they didn’t hit you.
• Destroying your belongings. Rather than physically hurting YOU, they make a point of showing that they can hurt you in other ways. If they ever throw things during an argument, pay attention to what they’re throwing. It will likely be something of yours, not something of theirs.
• If you’re late for any reason, even if only for a few minutes, your partner will fly into a rage and scream at you, accusing you of entirely ridiculous imagined scenarios.
• Openly telling you that they want to hurt you. As an example, an ex of mine that never actually hit me, told me he wanted to snap my neck like a carrot, knowing full well I’d been physically beaten by a previous partner. He knew the effect that statement would have on me, which is precisely why he did it.
• Refusing you sleep, personal care, food and drink.
• Locking you in so you can’t leave, regardless of if you need to go to work, school, anywhere essential to your life.
• Not letting you have any money, or means of paying for anything. Control of cards, bank accounts etc.
• Denying you visits to a doctor if you’re ill, or for any reason such as birth control. Denial of birth control is especially problematic, because getting someone pregnant is a proven method of forcing someone to stay.

The Cycle of Abuse

This is from TEAR, but it’s good for highlighting the cycle which applies to ALL age groups.

Relationship violence is a very cyclical phenomenon. You can have intense periods of happiness and embrace them thinking that you can eventually bring someone there permanently. You will think things are not that bad, until they go downhill again. It’s important to keep this in mind, if you’re ever to be able to escape a volatile situation. An an abusive partner might make slight changes to make you think things will be okay, but it won’t be long before they slip back into older mindsets, and thus the cycle repeats.

#ThatsNotLove

Abuse victims are using that hashtag to talk about their experiences all over social media, if they feel safe enough to do so. People who have experienced any kind of relationship violence understand that it’s not always as simple as just leaving, and that even if you can leave, it’s not easy to disentangle yourself from toxic people. They beg and plead and say they want to change, but that’s part of the cycle of abuse, and unfortunately an effective way of guilting you into staying. The lists here are only a few examples, they are not exhaustive, and there are infinitely more subtle ways of expressing relationship violence. There’s no way I would be able to list every possible example of abuse, and it doesn’t matter how small something seems, if it’s affecting your relationship negatively, then you need to examine it.They might tell you they love you, and they might tell you they’re behaving violently BECAUSE they love you, but the fact remains that is most certainly not love. It’s abuse. It might be trussed up fancier than a Christmas turkey, but it’s still abuse.