FYI, if you are white and this upsets you, I don’t care. GOOD.
Karen:
Shrieks like a banshee in the Apple Store when demanding to speak to a manager. This shriek is enough to shatter eardrums, eyeballs, and glass like substances. Can also deploy a SuperShriek once a day that will make heads explode. So basic that her bio is the shortest. Married to Kevin.
Becky:
On the phone so much that it finally fused to the side of her head. Paces around outside parks and other areas of recreation which might have BBQ accessibility like an unholy dinner monitor, and bullies anyone she doesn’t think should be grilling. Deploys a torrent of crocodile tears when the police arrive as a self defence mechanism, which unfortunately burn through every substance known to man. Currently single and ready to mingle!
Megan:
Floats about outside supermarkets, occasionally stopping to bend herself into several peculiar Bikram yoga movements whilst offering unsolicited advice about substituting modern medicine for her MLM sponsored essential oils. Squirts industrial strength dōTERRA geranium oil from her nipples, aiming for your eyes which will be burned out as a result. Has NEVER worn a mask and will cough in your face. Engaged to Hunter.
Brenda:
Has gigantic hair powered entirely by Aqua Net. It covers her head like a protective crash helmet, most likely containing its own ecosystem, but scientists have not yet been able to penetrate it to find out. Spends at least thirty minutes talking in a high pitched nasal voice through what she wants from Starbucks due to her “food sensitivities”, involving gluten, dairy, soy, sugar substitutes, and anything that is not organic, whilst not actually being intolerant or allergic to ANY of those things. This creates large queues of people forced to endure her indecisiveness, exhausting baristas to the point of collapse. Also known to yell Bible verses at LGBTQIA people, whilst driving at speed in her pink SUV with stick figure family decals. Married to Brian, although they sleep in separate rooms now after she found him browsing some very questionable porn on the Internet.
Stacey:
This tiny white blonde Instagram influencer attained fame when she literally wet herself with excitement over the latest contour palette of the now. Despite this international humiliation, she has been able to make a name for herself selling the contents of her Ped-egg to strange men on the Internet. Her special power involves throwing massive make-up ruining tantrums live on Instagram, whenever a hotel business doesn’t bend over backwards to accommodate she and her boyfriend for a weekend in return for “exposure.”
These tantrums result in her loyal horde descending on Yelp to post fake one star reviews. Frequently wears box braids or dreadlocks, ignoring people who call out her cultural appropriation because she believes racism against white folks is a thing. Frequent shrieker of BLUE LIVES MATTER!!!! Is lusted after by Timothy via Instagram, but she rebuffs his advances.
Maureen:
Partial to entirely too much cheap vodka and orange, which she claims is just juice. Can be seen standing at the window curtain twitching, or blatantly out in her garden chair with a set of binoculars and her phone taking endless pictures of kids she doesn’t like the look of. People try not to engage, but she snares the other older women in the neighbourhood in as they walk past, gossiping wildly of what she’s seen. Knows what colour knickers you’ve got on due to her antics with the binoculars. Has dirt on everyone in the neighbourhood and drunkenly blackmails them with it unless they spend time chatting with her. Conspiracy theorist, antivaxxer, and utterly convinced she was abducted by aliens for a few days, when in fact she was just comatose from too much vodka. Orders all food and alcohol online, as she is banned from all local establishments for yelling about chem trails and the like when absolutely off her t*ts on booze. Powers up once a day to bore you quite literally to death talking about flat earth theories. Even the other White Monsters can’t stomach her. Estranged mother of Gordon.
Kevin:
Wanders about in a white All Lives Matter t-shirt, but turns out all lives don’t matter when a battered boat of people who desperately need help washes up on shore. Wears a MAGA hat backwards, and follows people around in supermarkets mocking them for wearing a mask because he says COVID19 isn’t real. When removed from a public area by force, will release a deathly noxious fart that disables passers by, if you squeeze him hard enough. Married to Karen.
Hunter:
Ripped. Lives in the gym, treats it like it’s his own house and gets very upset when you use a machine when he wants to. Wears the tiniest shorts he can get away with to show off his man-meat, and will NOT shut the f*ck up about his protein shake business. Eyes up any woman with large breasts as a source for his breast milk bulking fixation, which he will also not shut the f*ck up about. Poses in front of the mirror and whispers about being “man heroin”, whilst completely unable to keep a girlfriend for very long. Yells GOD BLESS AMERICA when he completes a set. His special power is boring people into a coma by talking AT them at high speed about a paleo lifestyle, if they haven’t already done so listening to his speech about shakes. Once fell asleep on a tanning bed and cried like a baby. Engaged to Megan and posts sickening couple photos all over social media, using the same pose every time.
Brian:
Drives a huge truck covered in confederate and blue lives matter decals, with a personalised number plate saying GUNZ4LYFE. Frequently melts down in public because women ignore his advances, and will smash entire cosmetics sections in whatever store he’s in, whilst screaming about how “femininisms” has ruined feeeemales. Major fanboy of Alex Jones, and won’t drink tap water he believes gay frogs are swimming around in it, and he might start liking men. Prepper, but his bug out bag isn’t ready yet. His special power is knocking people out as he walks past with the sheer amount of Axe body spray he wears. Married to Brenda, but claims to be a sex addict and has needs she can’t fulfil.
Gordon:
Drives a white transit van with a giant English flag painted on the back doors. His Facebook profile photo is a red poppy all year round, with a slightly wonky BRITAIN FIRST cover photo. Posts publicly about sending immigrants home, all the while talking about how’s he’s not racist cos he orders food from “foreign takeaways”, and how he wouldn’t eat it if he was racist. Can drink a twenty-four pack of Stella Artois in two hours. Has exactly three teeth in his head, and is covered in self done tattoos, one of which says “ENGALND 4EVER” across his chest. Turns gammon pink in summer when he inevitably gets sun burn from failing to use sunblock. His special power is causing alcohol fuelled fires by using his wheelie bin as a place to barbecue sausages. Unpartnered, but is the estranged son of Maureen who he hasn’t spoken to in a decade.
Richard:
Proud Brexiteer. Supports the return of the national draft to “knock some sense into these young whippersnappers.” Has a giant framed photo of Winston Churchill above his fireplace, and spent a lifetime harbouring secret desires about Margaret Thatcher. Never married as he believed she was the pinnacle of “female creation”, regardless of the fact that she rejected the advances he sent her in written love letters over the years. Has a photo of her over his bed. Only wears brown. Spends his days reading the Daily Mail whilst leaving deeply offensive comments under articles. Is banned from his local Waitrose for saying the manager should be a man, and sending repeated angry letters arguing his position. His special power is the ability to make your eyes bleed by writing the most appalling Margaret Thatcher fanfic, which he publishes on his own blog named MargaretThatcherMyLove.blogspot.co.uk. Also spends his time trolling leftist Facebook groups ranting about the plight of the white man, and how reverse racism is REAL DAMMIT. Absolutely refuses to throw himself into the dating pool.
Timothy:
QAnon nutcase. Enclosed flat earther. Absolutely refuses to leave the house on the off-chance that he will be taken by the government because of that one time he used the dark web to try and buy Adderall. Thoroughly red-pilled, and uses SecondLife to build his white supremacist far right utopia filled with females that will attend to his every whim. Frequently has his Internet privileges revoked by his parents, who are absolutely exhausted with his theories and hideously bigoted worldview, and honestly cannot fathom where he got it from outside of that one time he was stuck on a train next to David Icke for four hours. Similar to a Karen, his special power is the ability to shatter windows and many other breakable objects, when throwing the loudest shrieking tantrum every time he dies playing Call of Duty. He once managed to shatter the beautiful stained glass windows of the church just over the road. Fancies the ar$e off Stacey, growing increasingly frustrated at her lack of response despite the heartfelt but awful poetry he has tried to inflict on her.
